The time of writing is the week after Exeter, and Stockport County are one of 4 teams who have 25 points at the top of League 1. The number next to our name is 5 but it’s fooling no one: we’re joint second, and 1 point off top (I’m ignoring games in hand – nothing is certain until they’re played.) 4 wins from our last 5 league games have contributed to one of our best starts at this level ever, which feels all the more impressive when you consider our injury list and chronic inability to score more than twice, and rarely more than once. 

Much has changed since the Plymouth game at the start of September. Flakiness at the back has been greatly reduced, if not quite eradicated, as a crazy-young back 3 of Pye (22), Olowu (25) and Hills (21) have got to know each other a little better (recent injuries notwithstanding.) A personal view is that Addai would look much better between the sticks now than he did at the beginning of the season, however we’re unlikely to find out unless Ben picks up an injury. This is as it should be; a settled keeper/defence is so often crucial for success. Our midfield issues have also been greatly improved by the performances of Odin Bailey, and one of the great joys of moving up through the leagues is seeing players come with us, and perform at a level they’ve either not been tried at or been judged nor up to. 

With our side seemingly able to dominate for large periods as a result, the one remaining frustration is finding the back of the net on a more regular basis. Even then, closer scrutiny of the table shows that of the teams around us, only Cardiff and Bradford have scored more than County this season (21 and 22 respectively, with Wimbledon level on 19.) The fear with 1-0s is that they can turn into 1-1s very easily if you’re not careful, but they’re certainly not to be sniffed at once the final whistle has blown. 3 points is 3 points, and consistency is what wins you leagues. 

With any luck, a few players either hit a bit of goal-contributing form or a few others get back from injury, and the nervy 1-0s become comfortable and routine 2-0s. 

For a bit of fun, though, and to try and address this I revisited a point I made on my Weekly Pod debut: i.e. we never replaced Paddy. Let’s all pull on our Simon Wilson hats and pretend we’re in the market for a proven Premier League striker, who is now entering the latter part of his career and is willing to join County with the express purpose of achieving a League One title. Money is no object as Mark Stott has just sold a second-hand tent to Daragh MacAnthony for a billion quid. Let’s see who we’ve got.

Marko Arnautović: age 36, current club Red Star Belgrade (Serbian SuperLiga)

We sign Finnish internationals, so why not Austrian ones? Most goals ever for Austria… we’d give him a game, wouldn’t we? Currently at Red Star after making a promise to his mate, but with his power he’d be a decent replacement for Tanto as well as Paddy. Unfortunately, he’s fallen foul of managers demanding completely unreasonable things like ‘being at places on time’ or ‘not fighting with team mates in training’ in the past, but I’m sure Chally will see past all that as long as his shin pads are the right size. 

Billy Sharp: age 39, current club Doncaster (L1)

OK, OK, ‘proven’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting here but it’s what we do, isn’t it? Buy up ex-Sheff Utd players? A reunion with Norwood and Osborne can only do him good, can’t it? We’ll be playing in red and white next season… maybe in this case, we should pay attention to cold hard facts: 6 goals in 43 PL appearances and, lately, 2 in 13 for Doncaster in L1. Perhaps not. 

Andy Carroll: age 36, current club Dagenham and Redbridge (NLS)

54 goals in 248 top flight games, but I can’t really type any more with a straight face. Although a striker who does mainly headers would fit in well at EP this season… no. Just no. 

Diego Costa: age 37, current club Gremio (Brazil Serie A)

Always struck me as a player who would be far less annoying if he was playing FOR you  (see also: most footballers ever.) The Spanish professional shithouse played 89 times for Chelsea and scored 52 goals, which is quite the hit rate, and let’s face it it would be extremely amusing to see him play for County at certain grounds. He currently plies his trade in the Brazilian 1st Division, so unless he’s happy to give up Porto Alegre for sunny Cheshire we might run into problems talking terms, but let’s face it he’d probably fail the ‘no-dickheads’ test, wouldn’t he?

Jamie flipping Vardy: age 38, current club Cremonese (Italy Serie A)

It should have happened years ago, why couldn’t it happen now? OK he’s the wrong side of 35 but here are the numbers: 342 PL games, 145 goals at 0.42 per game, 1 PL winners medal, a golden boot and the record for scoring in the most successive PL games with 11. He’s also scored more PL goals than anyone over 30. He wants to stay at ‘elite level,’ so once Stott gets that dome built there’s literally no reason why not. 

Olivier Giroud: age 39, current club Lille (French Ligue 1)

Unfortunately only played for small clubs in Chelsea and Arsenal (or in World Cups for France,) scoring 90 times in 255 appearances in or around London. Come north, Olivier! With games this season routinely going to pot late on, impact from the bench could be exactly what we need. Free samples of Hugo Boss all round. Plus, he’s already sponsored by Puma. 

Danny Ings: age 33, current club Sheffield Utd Obviously (Championship)

Not to be sniffed at, you know. 72 goals in over 200 PL appearances, including 22 in the 2019-20 season. He’s a bit younger, too, and has his own charity project for disabled kids. I can find no record of dickheadery. The stars are aligning here aren’t they? Never played with Norwood but so what? Norwood could link up with an orange. Sign up him.